the bill.....

Well, I got the last bill from the clinic today....can you say ouch?!  I didn't realize we were going to get another bill.  I thought the one they gave me at the clinic was the last one. 

Anyway, I will be laying off this blog for a while.  As I wrote earlier I have the surgery in December and then am planning on going to my mom's for a couple of weeks. 

Will post on how my surgery went and what I am planning to do.  I must say that after going through this I don't know if I am prepared to go through it again.  No meds for my bp, no cigs....too much stress. 

Also I was mentally not ready to face having my body abort the embryoes. I mean I was prepared for the fact that I might not get pregnant but no one said anything about the fact that the embryoes had to come out some way.  Didn't think about that part....

So, now I am back on my meds and doing much better.  Yes, I am smoking again...not much but a couple a day.  I know I shouldn't but....

Ok, that's it for now.....the surgery is scheduled for 17 December so until then......

Mother-in-law

I went over to her place to put up her curtains she had washed.  As I'm hanging the first ones she says...you told me the doc said you shouldn't lift anything heavy for two weeks.....has it been that long yet?  I replied, yes it hasn't and it doesn't matter anyway cause the IVF didn't take.  Like an idiot I expect her to say I'm sorry and don't worry about it, you can try again....or something to that affect.  Instead....she is sooo upset because just think about how upset my DH is gonna be....he wanted children sooo badly.  Uh...hello?!  And what the fuck am I?  Chopped liver...obviously!  I didn't want more children?  I'm the one that had to take all those damn shots and pills and go through surgery...and oh! by the way...I have to go through another surgery in December!  Thank you very much!!!!  I was so upset about it....but I just kept my mouth shut cause I didn't feel like getting into it with her.

I purposely didn't go over today cause I woke up rehearsing what I would say to her when I went over there.  I figured better just stay away.  I got AF this morning as soon as I woke up too so that just made my mood even better.

After her reaction I am SOOOO glad I didn't tell my own mother.  I can just hear her now....I told you blah, blah, blah.....

It sucks when the people you expect to be there for you aren't.  Shame on me if I ever trust in her again and confide something like this to her again.  I need to learn to just keep my mouth shut when I'm over there and let whatever she says go in one ear and out the other. 

No-Go

It didn't work out this time.  Oh, well.  What can I say.  It was khayr.  (wasn't meant to be by God)  The doc set me up for  surgery in Dec.  She wants to widen the cervix and look inside the uterus.  She said it could be that I have a polyp or the top of the uterus is sunken or there is tissue that shouldn't be there.  Endometriosis is a wonderful thing.  

For now it is again hurry up and wait.  My doc said to stop taking my hormone pills and I should get  a period.  Great.  I don't even want to think about the fact that when that period comes it is the two possible children I could have had. 

I am handling it well though, Alhumdullilah!  I have not cried.  I don't want to.  I feel like it wasn't khayr so why cry over it.  I prayed the whole time that if it was khayr then Allah should bless me with a second child.  Obviously it was khayr.  So, life goes on.

I am even more greatful that I have one very intelligent son.  The doc told me when I found out I was pregnant that it was a miracle that I had even gotten pregnant.  Seems she was right.  The good old doc...

I feel even more so for those that are not able to have any children at all.  Everyone should know the frustation of being a mother.  LOL! 

Have a good day and thanks again for reading and for your prayers!!!

wait and wait...

So far feel ok.  Have a wierd sensation in my lower ab.  Like I have doing hundreds of sit-ups.  LOL!  Yeah, right!  That'll be the day!  Since I got out of the army I have become one lazy, flabby woman.

Some times I feel like I am going to get my period and sometimes not.  Sometimes I feel like something is pulling inside. 

I must say I am already sick of these hormone pills I am having to take.  Take is a nice word...they have to be inserted vaginally.  Two pills, three times a day.  Can you say Yuck?!

Oh, well.  My neighbor is already calculating when we can test at home.  I think I will just wait.  I mean the appointment is a week from tomorrow.  I think I can wait that long. LOL!