the bill.....

Well, I got the last bill from the clinic today....can you say ouch?!  I didn't realize we were going to get another bill.  I thought the one they gave me at the clinic was the last one. 

Anyway, I will be laying off this blog for a while.  As I wrote earlier I have the surgery in December and then am planning on going to my mom's for a couple of weeks. 

Will post on how my surgery went and what I am planning to do.  I must say that after going through this I don't know if I am prepared to go through it again.  No meds for my bp, no cigs....too much stress. 

Also I was mentally not ready to face having my body abort the embryoes. I mean I was prepared for the fact that I might not get pregnant but no one said anything about the fact that the embryoes had to come out some way.  Didn't think about that part....

So, now I am back on my meds and doing much better.  Yes, I am smoking again...not much but a couple a day.  I know I shouldn't but....

Ok, that's it for now.....the surgery is scheduled for 17 December so until then......

Mother-in-law

I went over to her place to put up her curtains she had washed.  As I'm hanging the first ones she says...you told me the doc said you shouldn't lift anything heavy for two weeks.....has it been that long yet?  I replied, yes it hasn't and it doesn't matter anyway cause the IVF didn't take.  Like an idiot I expect her to say I'm sorry and don't worry about it, you can try again....or something to that affect.  Instead....she is sooo upset because just think about how upset my DH is gonna be....he wanted children sooo badly.  Uh...hello?!  And what the fuck am I?  Chopped liver...obviously!  I didn't want more children?  I'm the one that had to take all those damn shots and pills and go through surgery...and oh! by the way...I have to go through another surgery in December!  Thank you very much!!!!  I was so upset about it....but I just kept my mouth shut cause I didn't feel like getting into it with her.

I purposely didn't go over today cause I woke up rehearsing what I would say to her when I went over there.  I figured better just stay away.  I got AF this morning as soon as I woke up too so that just made my mood even better.

After her reaction I am SOOOO glad I didn't tell my own mother.  I can just hear her now....I told you blah, blah, blah.....

It sucks when the people you expect to be there for you aren't.  Shame on me if I ever trust in her again and confide something like this to her again.  I need to learn to just keep my mouth shut when I'm over there and let whatever she says go in one ear and out the other. 

No-Go

It didn't work out this time.  Oh, well.  What can I say.  It was khayr.  (wasn't meant to be by God)  The doc set me up for  surgery in Dec.  She wants to widen the cervix and look inside the uterus.  She said it could be that I have a polyp or the top of the uterus is sunken or there is tissue that shouldn't be there.  Endometriosis is a wonderful thing.  

For now it is again hurry up and wait.  My doc said to stop taking my hormone pills and I should get  a period.  Great.  I don't even want to think about the fact that when that period comes it is the two possible children I could have had. 

I am handling it well though, Alhumdullilah!  I have not cried.  I don't want to.  I feel like it wasn't khayr so why cry over it.  I prayed the whole time that if it was khayr then Allah should bless me with a second child.  Obviously it was khayr.  So, life goes on.

I am even more greatful that I have one very intelligent son.  The doc told me when I found out I was pregnant that it was a miracle that I had even gotten pregnant.  Seems she was right.  The good old doc...

I feel even more so for those that are not able to have any children at all.  Everyone should know the frustation of being a mother.  LOL! 

Have a good day and thanks again for reading and for your prayers!!!

wait and wait...

So far feel ok.  Have a wierd sensation in my lower ab.  Like I have doing hundreds of sit-ups.  LOL!  Yeah, right!  That'll be the day!  Since I got out of the army I have become one lazy, flabby woman.

Some times I feel like I am going to get my period and sometimes not.  Sometimes I feel like something is pulling inside. 

I must say I am already sick of these hormone pills I am having to take.  Take is a nice word...they have to be inserted vaginally.  Two pills, three times a day.  Can you say Yuck?!

Oh, well.  My neighbor is already calculating when we can test at home.  I think I will just wait.  I mean the appointment is a week from tomorrow.  I think I can wait that long. LOL!

Transfer...finally....

I was scheduled to have the embryo transfer on Tuesday.  Went to my appointment.  On the way there I hit a parked (yes, parked) car.  A Porsche!  Off all the cars to hit.  Don't know how I did it.  Guess I was too worked up and just judged wrong.  Anyhoo....after leaving a note on the guys car, went to the clinic.  They prepped me and turns out the doc couldn't get through the cervix.  She said it was totally stuck together.  She did try to puncture it but I was gonna climb the walls so she said come back tomorrow and will put you under and then do the transfer. 

Yes, I was bummed.  First the car, then the transfer couldn't be done.  But I said, well Allah, you say there is a blessing in everything so there has to be one here too.  The doc did tell me before she even tried to do the transfer that one of the cells was developing slower than it should be.  Maybe it needed another day? 

Wednesday, back to the clinic with a girlfriend in two to drive me home after the procedure.  Didn't take long.  I didn't have much pain yesterday evening.  A bit of cramping and that was it.  One of the docs did tell me that the doc doing the procedure really had a hard time getting through the cervix.  That doc told me she made a small entrance and did the transfer.  IF it doesn't take this time she recommends that I have a surgery done to open up the cervix to make it easier next time.  I said God willing there won't be a next time and she yes. 

So I am now in the wonderful 2ww.  (2 week wait)  My son has fall break for a week and DH is out of the country for a week.  I am supposed to take it easy and stay away from stress.  Yeah....tell that to my mouth that is today (all of a sudden) full of those tiny blisters that just kill you!!!!!!  I have some stuff I can put on it but the package says it's never been tested on pregnant women.  And since it is homeopathic I don't want to chance it.  I love homeopathic stuff but I know some plants and herbs will cause an abortion.  And since we are trying to get these little guys or girls to implant....don't want to do that.

Will most likely write about how I am feeling over the next two weeks and see if I even make it to the appointment at the clinic or if I break down and buy a HPT.  You know how patient I am....

The big day...

So tomorrow is the big day.  The doc will insert two eggs into my womb.  The rest is up to Allah.  (God)  I pray that it is His will that I have another child. (or two...he he)  They took 10 eggs from me and out of that 5 actually took.  The froze 3 right away.  The other two were left to grow.  Tomorrow they will be 5 days old. 

As much as I tell myself not to get too excited I find myself already looking for names.  And not just one.  LOL! 

Insha'Allah khayir.  (I pray that it is God's will and that it is good)  Sorry...hard to literlly translate that one...

I will let y'all know how it went.  After tomorrow starts the 2WW.  Two week wait.  I have an appointment on 8 Nov to take a pregnancy test at the clinic. 

Allah, please grant me patience and the ability to accept Your will, no matter what it is....amin!

Thank you in advance for your prayers!  (jazak Allahu khayran!)

nervous/scared/uh......

So I guess the biggest reason is because I know after this IF I have eggs that are able to be fertilized it means a two to three week wait before I can even find out if I am pregnant.  I can already see myself with a child but at the same time do not want to think about it as I don't handle dissappointment well at all.  Even though I know whatever happens it is God's will and there is nothing I can do about it except say alhumdulliah.(Thanks be to God) 

Am sure I will be pretty much out of it tomorrow as the procedure is done under general anesthia.  If I feel up to it I might post.  If not, then on Friday.  Thanks for reading!

Update

Ok, so I didn't get to really finish my last post.  Can't rememeber what happened but I ended up posting instead of just saving it...anyhooo....

I had an ultra sound yesterday (Monday) and we could see 6 follicles on the right side and 4 on the left.  They were all between 15 and 22 mm.  (which is really good)  Just so you get the idea...normally a woman will produce one to two follicles during a normal cycle.  The shots I have been giving myself were to stimulate the ovaries and create more, which it did!

Had a chat with the anesthetist before I left the clinic yesterday.  The procedure will take place on Thursday morning.  It is done under general anesthesia and lasts max half an hour.  Then of course there is the two to three hours afterwards you have to wait to make sure you're ok, etc.  Hubby will be there and will have a fresh sample of his stuff ready for them that morning.  I had to laugh about it....these docs let your husband ejaculate at home and bring it to the clinic.  Instead of them having to go into the bathroom and do their thing.  I am sure it is a lot less embarrassing for them this way. 

Anyway....so the procedure goes like this...they puncture the follicles and withdraw the fluid and any eggs that might be in there.  (no, there is no guarentee that there is an egg in the follicle...but I am praying)  Then the eggs, if any, are put under the microscope and checked out.  After that the eggs are put together with the sperm and they are left in an incubator.  Then after this....we will wait 5 days for them to become blastocells.  It seems that when the transfer takes place after 5 days instead of the usual 2-3 days there is less chance of a tubal pregnancy since the zygot is bigger. 

Now, after all this is said and done and the zygots (they will insert two) have been inserted....we wait two weeks to take a pregnancy test.  The chance of me becoming pregnant is 25%.  (age, endometriosis, etc. taken into account)  I am banking on God and what He knows is best. 

The next few weeks will be hard I know.  I have stoped taking my meds (anti-depresstion, stress) and have cut down on the cigs to almost nil.  Will post after the procedure on Thursday.  I take one more shot tonight.  It is the shot to allow the follicles to release from the ovaries.  Since I took a shot to send me into menopause, my body can't do it on it's own.  But this is normal for all women that go through this procedure.  So, tonight at 11pm I will take one last shot.  Then Thursday morning after we drop off my son we are off to see the wizard....

til then!

Stimulation

Started stimulation shots last Thursday.  Went to the doc and she said my cyst had decreased in size enough to start.  So after paying a tidy little sum for the meds...I started giving myself shots every evening.  I have another appointment on Wedesday to see how the girls (ovaries) are doing and make sure the dosage of the shots is enough/too much.  Then if all goes well, we should have an appointment between Monday and Wednesday to remove the eggs from me and fertilize them.  Then after a few days of them growing in the lab they will be transfered to me...

2nd ultra sound

Had my second ultra sound this morning to see if the cyst had shrunken anymore.  Good news!!!  It shrunk another centimeter.  So the doc said we could go ahead and start with the IVF.  She wrote out my scripts and I went to the pharmacy a happy camper.  Then I had to pay for my meds and wasn't so happy...LOL!  for two shots and two meds that I need during this treatment it cost me over 500 euros.  I have to pay 50% of the treatment.  My insurance pays the rest.  So we are off to the races as they say.  God willing it will take on the first time.  I am trying not to get my hopes up because I am one that doesn't handle disappointment well at all.  But I am still praying that it will take on the first try. 

I am a mix of different emotions.  From don't even think about it to what if it's a girl?!!!!  OR what if it's twins!!!!!  My hubby was very happy about it when we talked this morning.  He's always wanted more children.  If it was up to him we would have already had 3 or 4.  But God had other plans for us. 

I start taking my stimulation shots this evening.  The doc said I could start taking them right away as the down regulation shot I had taken several weeks ago wouldn't bring on a period any way.  So I basically have no cycle. 

This is how it works as of right now....I take the stimulation shots for the next 10-14 days.  (a 'pen' that I shoot myself with every day)  During the last few days, depending on how the u/s are looking and how fast my ovaries produce any eggs then we will go to the clinic and have some eggs removed from me.  They call it punkution.  They basically puncture your stomach and retract them that way with a needle.  (no I will not be awake during this).  Then they will fertilize the eggs there (that's one reason hubby has to be there that day).  After a few days (between 2 and 5) the fertilized eggs will be transplanted to me.  They will only transfer two eggs.  One due to my age and the other due to the fact that I really only want one or two more children. 

Oh!  I forgot to tell you!  During the u/s this morning she looked at my right ovary (the one that is cyst free right now) and there were a bunch of black spots on it.  I asked her what that was and she said it's follicles.  I said that's good right?!  She kind of laughed and said yes, that's very good.  Ok, so what does that mean you ask?  It means that my right ovary is making eggs.  Even with the down regulation shot the ovaries will still produce eggs they just won't release them.

So, now you ask, then how are the eggs going to be released with you giving yourself shots to stimulate the ovaries....two of the meds she wrote me this morning are for that.  They are tablets and the cause the ovaries to release the eggs right before they do the punctuation. 

That's it for now.  Will post more as I will have an appointment next week for an u/s.  This is routine my doc said.  They keep the ovaries under close control to try to keep from over stimulating them.  Then she will also see if my shots need to be upped or decreased. (the dosage I mean)   Will also let you know if I am having any side effects or not.  Say your prayers for me!!!!!  Thanks for the ones you've said so far...

another appointment....

Going back Thursday another ultra sound to see if the cyst has gotten any smaller.  Had an appointment last week and it had shrunk by 2 cm.  The doc is hoping for another 2 cm shrink and then we can get started.  Will see what God has in store. 

I don't really have any feelings to share right now.  I am kind of in limbo.  Guess I'm not wanting to get my hopes up to have them crushed once again.  Will post after the appointment if I'm not too depressed...LOL!

Speak to me at your own risk!

I woke up feeling ok this morning but it didn't last long.  My son woke up way too early for my tastes this morning.  I was looking forward to a nice warm shower and being to get pretty much ready before he even woke up.  Nope!  Hubby didn't seem to want to get out of bed.  If I don't call him till he gets up he won't get up. 

It didn't take long for me to feel like I needed to kill someone.  Hormones?  Ya think?!  I feel like crap.  I don't want to be home.  I have to take my MIL to the airport at lunch time and am in noooo mode.  I just want to go crawl in bed and be left alone.  That or sit in a cafe and drink coffee and smoke all day long. 

I seriously feel like I need to wear a sign that says 'speak to me at your own risk!'  I might consider actually wearing one but it's too long in German...LOL!

I still have pain in my lower ab.  Not feeling at all like this cyst has gotten smaller.  We'll see.  I have my next appointment on Wednesday. 

Gonna go drink another cup of joe and see if I feel better........

Nothing new....

Just like the title says....nothing new to report.  Still on my period.  Still have pain in my lower ab.  Feel like this cyst is gonna explode or pop out of me like the alien did out of Sigourney Weaver. 

On a bright note...I finally got my apartment painted the way I wanted.  Nice that hubby is out of the country.  he he!

Two more weeks til my appointment.  Am not feeling very positive.  I just can't help this feeling that it's just not meant to be.  I know I should try to be positive, however I have had this feeling since before we even started IVF.  The day one of my neighbors came home from the hospital, I picked her up, I knew that day.  As I was watching her get the baby dressed to leave the hospital, I had this thought...well I'll never have another child but I will always have her baby to love and play with. 

I know, I know...only God knows.  But I have learned through the years that He has a way of telling me how things will turn out.  I just have to listen.  I am often dissappointed with the way things turn out and often have this feeling of...if only I'd listened to that inner voice. 

Have a good weekend!

Finally!

I got my period finally today.  It is a relief as the nausea has passed.  I still have a lot of  pain in my lower ab though.  Today after my period started it felt like the cyst was going to explode. 

Who knows what is going on.....I know meds take time to work and I am trying to be patient.

As far as other side effects,  I do have night sweats.  And I mean sweat!  I wake up in the middle of the night, my forehead drenched and the back of my neck too.  I have to actually keep tissue by my side of the bed so I can wipe my forehead.  I can tell now...menopause is gonna be some fun!

Other than that no other side effects I have noticed. 

Trying to cut down on the cigs.  So far am doing pretty good.  As long as no one else is around smoking then I don't even really crave them. 

More later.....

Side effects

Suck!  Need I say more?  Being nauseous and almost puking your guts out is no fun.  But the worst part is the almost puking.  If I could actually puke and get it over with I would be much better.  But, no!  I have to be nauseous and just pretend to throw up.  WTH?

For a second it did cross my mind....hey!  Maybe I'm pregnant.  But then I brought myself back to reality and realized that seeing as how we haven't had sex for almost two months now and I've had a period since the last time...most likely it's just the side effect of this shot I gave myself last week.  Read the package and sure enough....one of the most common side effects?!  Survey says....nausea!

Baby born on Gulf Air flight

I couldn't help but feel my heart sink as I read about this.  A woman gives birth to a child and leaves it in the trash can to be found by the clean-up crew.  Thankfully the child is alive and healthy.  A baby boy, 6 pounds 6 ounces.  So many of us trying to have children and women having them and either killing them or throwing them away. 

Understandably she may have been in dire straits.  Only Allah knows her situation and pray that she is granted forgiveness and is guided to the right path. 

I have often wondered if I should consider adopting.  I have never spoken to my husband about this. 

Three of my neighbors have had babies this year.  They are 6 months and 1 month.  One boy and two girls.  Two of the neighbors have 4 and 5 children and the third neighbor has two children. (with the new additions now)  The third neighbor has a son the same age as mine.  In fact, their names are even the same.  She also had a hard time conceiving her second child.  We have been trying for the same amount of time.  She lost a baby before this one was born.  She is much younger than I am and has no endometriosis or cyst problems.  Her problem was just that the child wouldn't hold.  But, now she has a beautiful baby girl and her 7 year old boy. 

Funny thing about the other two neighbors, they weren't even trying for their 4th and 5th child.  It was an accident.  Funny how accidents happen.  Wish one like that would happen to me...LOL!

So, now 5 days since I gave myself the shot and still no period.  Though the symptoms are killing me.  If it doesn't come that is fine but I wish the symptoms would go away.  I feel like someone is trying to rip my lower back out.

Feeling better today as far as irritation, etc. goes.  Also, hubby flies out of the country today.  A week of peace.  LOL! 

I have noticed my hands are swollen for the past two days.  I feel like they are stiff.  I can still type and move them with no problems.  Just a weird feeling.

On a sweet note...I am watching one of my neighbor's two kids this morning.  Her 7 year old who will start the 1st grade on Monday and her almost 6 month old.  The baby is a very sweet, beautiful, stubborn little girl.  She was still tired and man was she cranky!  I forgot babies can make so much noise.  LOL!  But now she is sounding sleeping and her brother is content watching cartoons. 

Till manana! 

Day 2 after the shot...

I woke up this morning swollen like a balloon.  I could hardly take off my wedding ring that I had slept with.  My eyes looked like I'd been in a fight.  Around noon time the swelling finally went down.  I was really irritated yesterday and some today.  It does not help either that I was scheduled to get my period two days ago.  So, now I'm wondering if it is even going to come or am I just having the symptoms of it coming for nothing.  (I get really nauseous and actually puke around 3 days or so before it shows up) 

I had a lot of pain to in my lower ab last night.  I mean like it bothered me to the point where I had trouble going to sleep.  And I have a pretty high pain tolerance. 

Today I was really cold too even though it was in the 70's.  Other than that, nothing else to report.  Will see how the next couple of weeks go.

Day one...the first shot

Today I gave myself the first shot in a series of many to come.  I did it myself at home. (at my neighbors acutally...LOL!)  This first shot is a down regulator.  It is meant to basically swing me into menopause.  Stop the hormones from flowing and hopefully decrease the size of this latest cyst.

I guess I should fill you all in a bit.  I will be 39 in January and have a son that is 7 years old now.  I have been trying to concieve a second child for almost 4 years now.  Come to find out that I have a serious case of endometriosis and I seemed to have concieved my son by the miracle of God's will.  (my OB/GYN even said so at the time).  I was a soldier in the army at the time and destined for Iraq as it was kicking off and then all of a sudden I was pregnant.  So, I do see it as Allah's will that I concieved a child.  Moving on....I have a laproscopy in May of this year to remove the endo and a cyst.  Right after the surgery (and I mean the same day) my reproductive specialist (known from now on as RE) who also did the surgery, told me that there was practically no way I could concieve naturally.  That IVF was my only way. 

So that brings ya up to date.  I was scheduled to see my RE this week and started having some serious pain last week along with fever.  Went to my regular OB/GYN and he said I had a cyst that was 4 cm.  Wrote me a script for anti-biotics and said I needed to be looked at again in 10 days.  Then my appointment with my RE.  I told her about it and she looked at the cyst via ultra sound (U/S).  In a week, it had grown to 6 cm.  We were planning on starting right away with the hormone shots to be able to harvest an egg or two, but now with this cyst she said there was no way.  Yes, the tears welled up in my eyes.  She rubbed my leg and said...stay positive..I know this endo is a terrible thing.  We will do it together.  Ok, so ya, it made me feel a little better, but not quite...you know what I mean? (kwim) 

My husband was with me and I did not want to talk about it after we left the clinic.  I still don't.  I'm just trying not to think about it and to stay positive.  After all...everything is in Allah's hands.  If He wants that I have a second child, then it will happen....eventually. 

So far, the site that I gave myself the shot is sore feeling.  Right after I gave myself the shot, it burned.  But a weird burn.  It is hard to describe.  It wasn't like a hot burning.  It was similar to the burning of a hep B &C shot if you ever had one.  (and if you were in the military, you had one...)

Ok, that's it for today.  We'll see what tomorrow brings.  Thanks for reading.  I appreciate your comments of support.  If you have negative comments, save them for someone else.  I have enough negativity in my own manic/depressive mind.